my opinions and stuff

friday, july 17, 2020

scott

i'm sorry about everything. lately, i haven't been able to stop thinking about everything i did to you; everything immature i said, the guiltriping, everything.

wednesday, july 1, 2020

my exes

i have 7 exes; i don't want to share their real names, so i'm just going to replace it with xs':

x: 6th grade, white, embarrassing to talk about. xx: cute as fuck, we got back together three times, and cheated on me all three, i forgive him though ♥. xxx: a fat skater guy that was supposted to buy me a skateboard, he was rich btw. xxxx: a piece of shit and got into a fight while wearing my hoodie; he got blood on it, made me take my first nudes and later made my ass the profile picture on his instgram account: gstreethoess, if u in here u out bad. xxxxx: i cheated on xxxx with him, couldn't speak english that well, called rap "black people music" and said the n word all the time. xxxxxx: a cute drug dealer with a crusty perm and fake chain. i got to his house sometimes. scott: the nicest guy i've dated. too much to go into. i miss him sometimes.

monday, june 8, 2020

i hate myself

when i look in the mirror and look at myself i think i look okay; my face and body are fine, but when i think about my personality i want to disappear forever. the way i talk, how i'm so fucking shy and i can't do anything i'm so fucking useless. my own mom told me that. i can't cook or skate or play guitar, my hands are too small to reach the frets. i always compare myself to other people and i can't stop i try to but i can't. i'm so annoying that everyone has left me. all my old friends, i got kicked out of a band and they didn't even bother telling me, and all my exes only come back when they want nudes because the best thing about me is my body. maybe i'll tell you about them in another journal (there was six)

my first real relationship was awful because of me i was too shy or clingy and now he hates me. he said i'm a horrible person and i'm stupid and pretictable and boring not funny. it's been 6 months but i still remember everything i want to move on but i can't. i'm such a fucking loser i say i want to change and i never do. sometimes i just want to die but i can't; i don't have the balls to kill myself. even when i just think about doing i cry. i'm stuck. my family says people who commit suicide are weak because they can't handle the real world ands it's true. i'm so weak and sensitive. two nights ago i asked my ex for closure, i just want to know that we don't hate eachother and he sent me this video, so of course i sent him this. then he told me to shut the fuck up. that's also when he told he i was a horrible person. now i hate myself even more because i cried over something as dumb as that. i'm such a stupid fucking crybaby.

it's been six months since we broke up but if i'm being completely honest i still miss him sometimes. the only reason i still had his contacts and old love letters because i thought that we could get back together one day, but after this, i know that's never going to happen. i blocked him and i'm going to try to change. i want to be a good person again and love myself. i just want to be happy.

thursday, may 28, 2020

my biggest fears

i used to say my biggest fear was "being alone" but then i realized how retarded that sounds. also that's super emo; if i ever asked someone their biggest fear and they said "dying alone" i'd make fun of them and call them a loser lol like pick a better fear. now my biggest fear is the ocean. only 5% of the ocean has been discovered and it's absolutely massive it's going to take us 248294 million years to discover the other 95%... i feel like part of the reason why i'm afraid of the ocean is because when i was little i watched this "mockumentary" about mermaids. AT THE TIME i didn't know it was fake so i thought mermaids were real. here's a link to a clip. another reason why is because when i was bored in class i would look up scary deep sea creatures (i had to look it up to put in the link i want to cry now) the one i'm the most scared of has to be the frilled shark. it's teeth are kinda look like the tin foil ball from diary of a wimpy kidi think i'm afraid of the ocean because i'm afraid of the unknown. i'm also scared of the dark and walking around at night, you can't see where you are what's around you.

another one of my fears is killing myself. i can't hurt myself or anything, one time i tried cutting and i couldn't. whenever i think about killing myself i start crying uncontrollable. i feel bad, like i'm betraying myself. i feel my little heart pump blood out to my body and i get so sad. "they want to live" i personify my organs lol. but i think it's worse than dying... i'm just stuck. i don't know what to do, at least when you die you can't feel anything. it really sucks, i can't kill myself because i'm a coward. it takes balls to commit suicide, taking the pills and going to sleep, or holding a gun to you head and thinking "im going to pull the trigger to end my own life" i could never. but things are getting better for me, i think about my future. i think about my husband, my kid, my job, my house, anything and i can hold onto and it helps. but that's nothing if i die. this got kinda serious LOL. it's ok i'd never do anything, i'm probably going to log back in and see this and cringe